This is directed to Elizabeth Benedict of The Boston Globe.
Touche Elizabeth, your article is an opinion and as an opinion article, vulnerable to argument and contrary opinions. I don’t question that several (two?) lawyers gave their input as to their opinions on the facts, as they see them. I don’t question the fact that the laws that exist in Massachusetts are antiquated and even archaic but that is not the issue that I have with your article. Here is where your opinion and my opinion differ: There are no laws capable of creating two classes of women. Just because some women have been burned by Massachusetts laws and more importantly, by the judges in Massachusetts, doesn’t mean that there are consequentially two classes of women created.
The conundrum, as I see it, is the fact that you are defining wife number one versus wife number two as being two separate entities which automatically are not mutually exclusive. The reality is that wife number one might be an educated and capable woman who wants to coast and is allowed to do so by SOME judges, no matter what state is involved. The opposite case is a first wife who gave up everything including career and income, for her family. When divorce comes onto the horizon, she finds herself pounding the pavements with no experience and a huge gap in her resume and may be in her 50’s or older and not very employable.
The reality, in my opinion, is that life isn’t fair, divorce isn’t fair, courts aren’t fair, ex spouses aren’t fair and thus, the reason for so many conflicting opinions. I appreciate your answer, where you said that you do not deem women to be fragile but you have obvious animosity for the first wives because it appears that you got burned.You mention that in Massachusetts, people get alimony after 5 years of marriage. In some cases that might be appropriate, in some cases, not. Some women may get lifetime alimony, some don’t. Some men fool around, some don’t. Some women are lazy, some aren’t. Some first wives are in the right, some aren’t. Some second wives are in the right, some aren’t.
I agree that there is a difference between being out of the job market for 10 or 25 years and there is a difference between having an education not having one, being trained and not being trained.I think my biggest contention with your opinion is that you think that there are plenty of fields people can enter at 50 these days. Have you checked the statistics in the job markets in various parts of the country?
You may be 53 and you have several freelance jobs and I offer you my kudos at your successful endeavors. Have you ever had gaps in your resume for 15 or 20 years? Your history, education, writings, teachings and successes are impressive. You are living like the the king of the mountain or more appropriately, the queen. Not so different from the Marie Antoinette, the queen of France, who said, when she was told that her people had no bread to eat, Then, let them eat cake. She couldn’t empathize with their hunger just like you can’t empathize with women who have given their lives for their families only to face divorce and experience the chasms that are in their finances, hearts and souls.
They may lose their confidence, self esteem, ability to obtain employment and earn a livelihood that is even close to what they had previously.
I thank you for your compliments. Just so that you know, I have been investing in a tremendous number of projects outside of my home. When I was blindsided by divorce, I decided that I would help other women to prepare for the possibility of divorce. I have evolved and I have grown stronger because of my experience. I have taken my maiden name back and am at the beginning of a new and rewarding life. I am going back for my masters in psychology and am coaching, speaking and mentoring to other moms. I have lived my life by giving of myself which is why I believe, I have been blessed with so much. What goes around comes around.
Also FYI, all of my children are not gone. I still have two at home. You suggest taking risks, little do you know, the risks that I have taken and continue to take. I find your comments extremely laden with emotion because clearly, you were on the wrong end of an unfair divorce, just as I was. The difference between us is that I don’t castigate women who have different life styles and experiences than I have had.
I never suggested that you should work for his ex wife’s comfortable life style. I just think you are someone who pigeonholes first wives as indolent and that is WRONG! Here is a thought. What if the second wife broke up the first wife’s marriage? Then maybe, just maybe, the second wife should be partially financially responsible for the first wife!
