Divorce and a Mother’s Worry

Yesterday, this comment came from a mom who is concerned about her daughter’s well being.

Claudia,

I don’t know what to do or who can help my daughter.  She saw someone at our state’s domestic relations office today. Her husband’s been abusing her with mean and ugly things. and won’t lether have any money for food or diapers.  She’s got 2 little kids home and doesn’t work any more. and she still hasn’t filed for divorce. She keeps telling me she can’t cause she doesn’t know how or where to start first. She’s just hoping that things’ll get better. I don’t know what to do or help’er and she doesn’t want me in the middle of things and make’im mad. What do I do? I loveher and worried.

Mom S.

Hi Mom S.

I know that you are afraid for her and her situation but you can’t make her file for divorce if she doesn’t want to make the move. I don’t know how old the children are or what their financial situation is and you didn’t mention if there is physical abuse present.

With the limited information that you shared, these are my suggestions:

• If there is any physical abuse, she should connect with your local abuse shelter. They are very helpful and will walk her through the process but she needs to make the call, not you. If she is in any danger, she should call 911 immediately. If you become aware of any physical abuse situations, you can call 911. (I don’t know if this plays a role in what is happening with your daughter but wanted to mention it in case there is any physical abuse.)
• One of the ways that an emotional abuser maintains control is to stop the money from being available. It has been my experience that domestic abuse doesn’t usually get better. It usually gets worse. For the situation to get better, your daughter and her husband should seek psychological counseling.

I have several links on this site that may be helpful. Help guide.org has a lot of information regarding different kinds of abuse. I can’t tell you enough that if there is any concern about her safety or the safety of her children or any of the people in your family, 911 should be called immediately. In addition, the front page of your local phone book has information regarding the types of help that are available in your area.

If physical abuse is not part of the situation, you need to just stand by her and listen but understand that the divorce situation is hers. She is the only one who can decide if divorce is the right thing. If and when that ever happens, you can tell her about the audio I offer on this site. She can listen to the free 15 minute audio and then if she needs additional information there is the one hour audio available.

Your message is not uncommon. So many moms are trying to help their daughters but they need to understand that they are not the decision makers when it comes to the possible divorces.  Good luck to you and to your daughter and grandchildren. They are lucky to have you in their lives!

Photo: footloosiety