I received an email yesterday from an old friend that I met here about a year ago. She and I have been in contact lately because of her current divorce situation. Time goes by so quickly and I had forgotten how long ago we had made our first connection. Anyway, she sent me the original email she had sent to me and with her permission, I am going to share it with you.
It is surely a testament to the fact that the divorce process and the time needed to rebuild shattered lives takes a great deal of time. I am not going to detail my answer because it involves personal information that might hurt some who might read this blog.
Claudia,
I appreciate you – your being a resource for SAHMs during a time of crisis when our world has been turned upside down, dreams shattered and a brand new life facing us. When everything seems so overwhelming, I am so appreciative to have a resource to keep me focused. Thanks and please feel free to use what you wish.
I found this old email from over a year ago when this whole process started. It is so sad to realize how much emotion, time and money has been drained from our life. Thought you would like to see this.
“Broken Vows” is a song by Josh Groban that I was listening to today. It seems like the right phrase for the anguish I feel. I came across your website a few days ago while searching desperately for any information to help me. I am a 9 year stay at home mom whose husband decided  that he doesn’t want to be married to me anymore and in just one visit by some stranger at my door last Monday morning, I’m getting divorced.
Being presented with that Summons threw my world into a tailspin. My 2 beautiful daughters, ages 4 and 8, are being shielded right now by my determination to be strong for the kids but WOW, this hurts and is hard. I am writing to you in hopes that you have some information and advice on where I start. I am looking for something specific that can help my case in court and in negotiations with my husband.
Never in our 12 years of being together did we ever say that anything less than me staying at home and raising our children would be acceptable. I guess he changed his mind but I haven’t changed mine!
It seems to me that stay at home moms really get hit the hardest when divorce occurs. My husband wants 50/50 custody where he has the kids one week and I have them the next. His reply to my question about what he will do with the kids while he works is “I’ll work it out.” Not acceptable. He also wants to sell the house immediately and split into 2 homes/town homes or whatever we can afford. I want to keep the kids as stable as possible for as long as possible and don’t think selling our home in a depressed market is a smart move.
We’ve worked hard to establish a nice upper middle class life for our family and now I fear I’ll just be able to squeak by. I keep getting advice to get  a job right away but summer is coming up and both girls will be home full time for 3 months. My little one doesn’t start full-time school for another 2 years so she needs full time care. I want to be with them during the precious but short time. He makes $150k a year, plus we have about $450k in investments (401k, IRAS), plus his retirement account which is at $160k right now. Our home is worth $370k and we owe $170 on a 15 year note. Pretty financially simple.
I left a corporate job of $130k 9 years ago when my 1st was born and haven’t worked (nor looked back) since. I believe his “platform” will be my earning potential since I’m a college graduate albeit 20 years ago and had a 13
year successful sales career in the corporate world. Any advice here?
The laws seem so subjective. My state is a spousal maintenance and an equitable distribution state. I read that it depends on the judge. How stable is that? I realize the best thing would be to reach an agreement between ourselves but we are both stubborn and righteous and essentially have a HUGE emotional barrier that keeps civil interaction nonexistent. He refuses to leave the house although he wants the divorce.
I could leave with the girls but would have to go to a hotel and hear this is very unfavorable to us legally not to mention extremely disruptive to the girls. The tension has both me and my girls physically sick.
Believing doesn’t seem strong enough; I want to know! And I feel I have to do whatever it takes to reestablish our new family as a legacy to my children.
Part of my original response:
I am so here for you. What you are going through is not out of the ordinary. We as stay at home moms, are so vulnerable… For warned is for armed…You are so right about stay at home moms getting the hardest hit in the case of divorce… The scary part is that so many current stay at home moms won’t even think about what might happen and some even get angry with me for suggesting the possibility of divorce.
