Divorce: Why One Answer Isn’t The Only Answer

Moms are often placed in a position to do what others are directing them to do during the divorce process. Sometimes it’s okay. Sometimes it’s better than okay and sometimes it’s not okay at all.

The reasons are that different people with different areas of expertise offer solutions from their own perspective. Often there are a lot of angles to approach one problem and there is not just one right answer. By the same token, one answer might be appropriate at one time and another might be more appropriate at a different time.

The best example I can offer is what happened to one of my clients a while back. I’ll call her Mary and I’ll call her son Joseph. Mary’s husband filed for divorce. He hadn’t been a good husband or father. Eight year old Joseph had begun to act out at school and at home with his mother. Joseph’s father had not visited him or called him since he had left. Mary wanted sole custody of her son.

Advice to Mary regarding her son’s visitation with his father

• Mary’s attorney told her to email the father a few times to show the court that she wasn’t keeping Joseph away from his father. He also said that if she wanted custody, it was better if the father never came to visit Joseph.
• Joseph’s school guidance counselor told Mary that she should call the father and do whatever it took to get Joseph’s father to have visitation with his son.
• Mary’s therapist told her to avoid talking to the father because it was so upsetting to her.
• Mary’s best friend told Mary not to contact him in any way. It was good riddance to the father and that Joseph would be better off without him.

So Mary didn’t know what to do because everyone was telling her to do something different. I advised Mary that she needed to get perspective about the reasons behind the opinion of each person and the value of each.

Her attorney was telling her to do what would help her get legal custody. Joseph’s guidance counselor was telling her to do what he thought best to help Joseph’s emotional issues. Mary’s therapist was telling her to do what would help Mary’s own emotional issues. Mary’s best friend never got along with Joseph’s father and was a bit selfish in what she advised Mary to do.

Once I offered some perspective, Mary had an “ah ha moment.” She kept asking me how she had missed something so simple. I explained that when you are stuck in the middle of the divorce process, it’s often difficult to see the events without emotion.

I told her that she had to weigh the value of each person’s opinion and then make the decision that she felt was the right one.

FYI. Mary ended up sending the emails, placing a couple of calls and getting custody of Joseph.

Photo: chefranden