I have been coaching a lot of stay at home moms who are enduring the pain of not only losing their husbands but their children. Is it the divorce process, how the parents handle it, how the parents talk about each other, what the children remember or what they are convinced that they should remember, that is the cause?
Is it that the unhappy years before the divorce began that caused the childults to respond with such anger? My theory is that childults who grew up in a home where the mother was disrespected and abused, have the tendency to become disrespectful and abusive also. I dare say that there isn’t a parent out there, who hasn’t made mistakes with their children, so why is it that some children remain steadfast to both parents and some feel the need to choose one or the other?
Why is it that some children can so easily forget what their parents did for them? Why is it that some kids are quite happy without their parents in their lives? Is it because of a busy lifestyle or because they just don’t care enough to make an effort? Are these mutually exclusive? One of my favorite movies was Pay It Forward. It doesn’t appear that many of the childults make any attempt to pay it forward or even pay it back.
I don’t believe that money is the root of all evil but that the love of money is. Is wealth made up of the riches of the mind and spirit and friendship or the cash in ones bank account? Does anyone see them giving without looking for a return on their investment? Do any of them give of themselves when it isn’t easy? Do they ever give when they have no no agenda? Will they ever know how wonderful it feels to have some one cover their backs 100% of the time?
These childults see that marriages, promises, pledges and loyalties are ephemeral. Is it all about not getting caught and then blaming someone else when they do?
What has happened to integrity, ethics, forgiveness, compassion, loyalty, conscience and a desire to do what’s right? Are we culling a generation of childults who are always right, opinionated, critical, demanding, deceitful and selfish as they place the blame on their parents as an excuse for their own inadequacies? Is it because we gave them too much, didn’t expect enough or is it the gene pool that is coming into play?
Is it because they have not figured out that with age, comes wisdom which should be respected? Is it because spare the rod and spoil the child,is no longer politically correct or even legal? Is it because we explained too much and didn’t say, no enough?
I don’t know but I do care. With the word mother comes the word guilt. From what I am hearing, most mothers replay their old tapes as they question their parenting abilities. Where did I go wrong? is what I hear over and over again. Should the children have had more activities or fewer? Did we make them work too hard or not enough? Did we forgive them too much? Was our unconditional love a detriment to them because they didn’t have to own their unkindness or lack of honor? Was it because the consequences were too harsh or not harsh enough?
Why are some childults respectful, caring and loyal to parents who were never there for them? A wise person told me that childults are inherently selfish and they are attracted by money and the parent that they are afraid of losing. They are willing to place the faithful parent on the back burner until they grow up and begin to appreciate and understand. I have been advised that this often doesn’t happen until they are out of their twenties.
My suggestion to those of you, who are getting uncomfortable on the back burner, is jump! Not from the frying pan into the fire but to a level higher, a level where you allow yourself to be surrounded by the people who have your back. No place in our mothering handbooks did we sign a contract agreeing that we would make no mistakes or be perfect. So why do we continue to punish ourselves for having feet of clay?
