Probably the question that I get the most is, “Why aren’t you angry because of the issues that occurred because of your divorce?”
My answer is a bit complex because like everyone in the world, I have experienced anger but lucky for me, the emotion has been fleeting and for the most part very mild.
According to Charles Spielberger, PhD, who is a psychologist specializing in the study of anger, “Anger is an emotional state that varies in intensity from mild irritation to intense fury and rage.”
Anger can be triggered by external or internal events. You might be angry with a specific person or you can be angry with an event. Often as the case with divorce, anger rises about worrying about personal problems or recalling memories of the traumatic or infuriating experiences that you experienced during the divorce process.
For many people, anger is expressed aggressively. It goes back to the cave man days when we had to respond to attacks or threats with flight or defense in order to survive.
The thing is that we don’t live in cave man days and the social norms of our times dictate that we can’t lash out at all of the people or situations that annoy us. Hopefully, common sense will take over.
People react to angry feelings both consciously and unconsciously. According to the experts, there are three main ways that people deal with their anger and they are:
1. Expressing
2. Suppressing
3. Calming
Expressing your anger is the healthiest way of expressing anger. It is necessary to be assertive about stating your needs and boundaries without going into attack mode. Respect for yourself and others play a huge role.
Suppressing your anger will only cause it to come back in another way or at a later time. The problem with this way of handling anger is that your anger may turn inward toward yourself. What happens then is that it takes a toll on you via depression, high blood pressure or hypertension.
When people have not learned to express their anger in a healthy way many problems occur. They put other people down. They are often hostile, filled with vengeance, critical and cynical. People who handle anger in this way are not likely to have successful relationships.
Calming your anger is done by a conscious effort to control your outward behavior and your interior behavior or responses. An example of calming might be to take a deep breath and focus on something that makes you happy.
So back to me in an effort to answer the original question, I guess for the most part I am logical and positive in my way of thinking. When I think logically about what is causing me anger, I gain perspective.
I realize that things will not always go my way even though I think they should. Divorce never goes the way any of us want it to go. So if I want my life to be a happy one, I need to “go with the flow” and understand that it’s not always about me. In fact, as my previous post stated, it’s about you.
Photo: is forinsects
